Yesterday was my 32nd birthday. Yes, I'm a little sad about being older, but I'm choosing to view this as an opportunity to be better...a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better "luvah", a better worker, a better daughter, sister, aunt, a better smiler, a better cook, a better reader, a better exerciser (is that even a word), a better laundry-doer...a better Kelley...the best Kelley I can be, (at least for 32...I expect to be EVEN BETTER at 33).
Inspired by my Sarah's blog, I've decided that journaling (or blogging in my case, since I type faster than I could ever write) might be a nice outlet for me again. I've journaled on and off through the years, but who has time to write in a journal at night? I attempted to blog once before...and failed miserably...only posting a few short entries. However, as previously stated, I'm better now. :) So I also expect to be a better blogger, too.
So, what does turning 32 mean to me? Well, I'm a very different person at 32 than I was just a short year ago. My 32nd year brought MAJOR changes to my life. I started a new job in the "big corporate world" with CIGNA Health Insurance in March 2010. It's been a good change for me. I had back surgery, a discectomy, in April 2010. Apparently, I'd been living with a herniated disc for over a year. I knew something was wrong, but wanted to believe my doctors when they said it was pregnancy hormones causing the excrutiating pain. They were proven wrong with an MRI.
But, of course, my biggest life change was giving birth to my precious Connor last fall. He's the light of my world! There is nothing better than his sweet head on my shoulder first thing in the morning OR his big smile when I arrive home from work OR the deep belly laugh that he gives me when I'm giving him neck zerberts.
I know that all parents say the same cliche things about becoming a parent, and I used to think "whatever" and roll my eyes when they would say such things. Unfortunately, I have to admit that they were all right. There IS nothing like becoming a parent. The love you feel for your little one IS INDESCRIBABLE. They DO change your world in ways you can't imagine. All of these things are so true. Becoming a mother has been the most rewarding experience of my life. But it also has brought challenges that I wasn't prepared for. Yes, I'd heard about the sleepless nights (even though we really didn't have too many of those since Connor has been such a great sleeper). Yes, I knew breastfeeding would bring moments of frustration. What I wasn't prepared for and have struggled with the most...is trying to figure Kelley out again. How can I be the Kelley I was and also be this completely new role, mommy? How do I find time to do all of the things that I loved so dearly before? How do I find time to nurture my relationship with Sean? How do I deal with the guilt of going to work every day and leaving him in daycare? Don't misunderstand me. I think daycare is great for him. The social interaction he partakes in and what he learns from the other children is fantastic! Sean and I both believe that social skills are the major building blocks to success in life. Regardless of that, I still crave all of that time with him and want him all to myself. How do I balance this with the need to better myself? At the end of every work day, I want to rush home and spend his last hours of the day playing with him, reading & singing to him, showing him new things. How can I do this and still have time to go to the gym, or read, or cook a big meal, or go to happy hour with friends? It's like this mini-identity crisis. My friend Christie, described this to me perfectly one day: "You start to realize that no one ever gets 100% of you. Everyone only gets a little piece." I think that's what is so difficult for me. I want to give Connor & Sean 100% of me and I can't. And how do I balance that with still needing to find fullfillment in work and my own recreational life?
I'm working through this process gradually. In the last month, I've finally started figuring some of this out. I've managed to start fitting in workouts during my work day. One of the advantages of the corporate world is the wonderful free gym at my office. I've also begin attending Zumba classes at the rec center on the way home from work some days. I've been to happy hour, a scrapbooking night with the girls, a play at the theater and a few movies. I started reading a new book that I plan on discussing with my girlfriends on our upcoming beach trip. I've been able to nurture my love for cooking by making some fun meals on the weekends. Somehow, I'm managing to find some time for myself. A little bit at a time, I'm finding Kelley, the wife, the friend, the "luvah", the worker, the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the smiler, the reader, the cook, the exerciser...even Kelley, the laundry-doer and intermingling her with Kelley, the "mommy".
So, I'm figuring it out...it'll be an ongoing journey. Maybe I'll never be 100% to everyone, but I am starting to find the time to do things that I love and still find time for those neck zerberts. I guess this is another part of parenthood that you have to work through. It just gives me one more thing to work to be better at...
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